THEN: Resisted, not Embraced NOW: Embrace!

So this is where I come....
to relocate myself, 
to find the pieces of me that seem to be lost,
to be reminded of who I am and what I do and why...

I know it's in there, I just seem to have misplaced it, and my little family is missing it too...

Atlanta Bread.

No, not Panera (for all of you who know me best), Tupelo doesn't have a Panera, so I settle with Atlanta Bread.  I walk in, buy myself an iced tea (used to be diet coke), and sit down to read, to journal, to type on this little computer in attempts to do just that.

The last three weeks have gone something like this (do not read any farther if you don't want to read an honest, authentic (might seem like complaining, but I have to sit in that for a bit to come out of it, so let me please!) post...

...3 weeks ago...I spent the week preparing for the kids to go to be with Papaw and Memaw George for the following week...I recall hearing myself to say to a few friends, it's like my brain shut off and it's started on "slow down" and "do nothing" mode  one week early...it is what it is, I can't beat myself up for it now, I can't take it back, but I lost some time there with my kiddos "shutting down" a little too early...

...2 weeks ago...it was quiet, it was very quiet...literally in the house, it was quiet, my mind wasn't extremely quiet as I was working through my "to do" list and my "to don't" list, meaning...

..."Ahh, my kids aren't here, I have to get as much done as possible!" and...

"Aww, my kids aren't here, I'm going to sit and drink my coffee a little longer and watch the Today show after I sleep in longer than normal" and...

"what friends can we eat out with and enjoy conversation with that we don't get to when the kids are here?"...

I completed the most important tasks on my to do list and a good number of things on my to don't list:  painting the kitchen (in total this took about 9 hours), working on the outside mess of leaves and weeds around our landscaping (this took about 9 or so hours and a sore body), and giving the house a good, nice clean uninterrupted (that took about 9 hours as well, which I will remind you now over a week later, it's back to normal at our house...dirty!).  9 must be the lucky number of the week, regardless, 9 hours of anything is harder than I have worked in a long time!!  With some of the to do and to don't list done, by Thursday, it was time to go grocery shopping for the Easter weekend and Clara's 2nd birthday and get ready for the kids to return home...even though I tried to balance it all, I came out of the week feeling accomplished but just a little bit off kilter...the weekend went into full swing with making Easter sugar, frosted cookies with the kids on Good Friday with the kids, enjoying the Good Friday service with Stanley on my lap and Eric's parents (we explained to Stanley what communion was, and he decided he wanted to take communion, we returned to our seats, and he innocently whispered to me, "Mama, that was really good bread!"  He takes after his mom's own heart! - Jesus and bread - what more do you need?).  Saturday, we missed our church's annual egg hunt (bummer!) because of the rain, we could have gone but just didn't feel it was worth it!  Sunday was Easter - church, Easter dinner at our house with Eric's parents, Easter baskets, egg hunt, and dying easter eggs...then Monday morning, we went straight into celebrating Clara's 2nd birthday (my baby is 2!  WOW!) complete with a Minnie Mouse Birthday party (I'll have to post pictures later I didn't think to upload my pics so I could share them!)...we had a great time celebrating with 10 kids in total, they played hard: jumping on Clara's new trampoline, playing in her new sand box, swinging on the swing set, riding all the bikes and cars, bubbles, drawing with sidewalk chalk, Minnie tattoo station, eating lunch complete with a Minnie Mouse Cake!  (phew, no wonder I'm exhausted, that was a full weekend just in it self!)  I ended up taking Clara to the Dr. the afternoon of her birthday (happy birthday, Clara!) because some spots that seem isolated the day before, all the sudden didn't seem to be isolated and they seemed to be growing, it wasn't until her well visit on Wednesday that it was confirmed Clara has hand, foot, mouth disease - contagious for at least a week from when the first spots were noticed!  That takes me to the week we are now ending (thank goodness!)...

...this week, Stanley returned to preschool Tuesday, talked a mile a minute the first half of the drive home, the 2nd half he continually repeated, "I'm tired, I'm really tired, my tummy hurts"...we got home, and he went to bed all on his own accord (you know he's sick when he does this!), he slept most of the afternoon and eventually got sick once, of course, kept him home from school the rest of the week to get better and rest up...mid week, find out Clara's diagnosis...insert spent, cooped up Mama...This week consisted of several outings (which I will mention, in my opinion, are not life giving!) 2 Dr appointments (with a 2 year old who is not feeling well and also hitting her terrible two's overnight), 3 trips to Wal-Mart, 1 trip to Walgreen's because Walmart didn't have maalox for Clara all while she is whining and crying, and an attempt to make my husband feel special on his 35th birthday...Now, I'm sure I loved on my children and my husband more than I will give myself credit  here, but it didn't feel that way, so continue on with my honest post...So instead of embracing each "MOM! MOM!" and "MAMA!  MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!"  I resisted it, my patience ran thin, my temper was short, I am not proud of my week at all.  Throw in there...the desire for spring to arrive already! and wishing the spring/summer clothes in my closet were loved and looking forward to being worn by me! (sorry clothes, not the case!)  I was all out of balance, my children were out of balance, and of course, we all feel it, Daddy, too.  I wanted to stay in bed, and not face the day.  Motivation lacking (although I did manage to do my and the kid's laundry and keep up with the dishes and have a supper plan each day!  I call that accomplishment in a week like this!), and guilt growing, "I'm not being the mommy Jesus calls me to be or that my kids so need."  I've just been plain exhausted - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - 3 weeks in the making!

Not that I expect perfection from myself (or maybe I do -- who knows!), I wasn't even batting 0, so I could have made some changes to improve my week but instead I just sat in it and negativity and unthankfulness permeated the walls of the George household.  I admit it, I confess it right here, praying that somehow the confession will mark a time to refocus, a time for transformation, a time for healing, a time to begin again (hey! isn't that a Sanctus Real song?!)...Lord, help me to turn this train around, because it's not fun for me, for anyone and it's not the frame of mind of someone who technically has the joy of the Lord in her heart.  Please forgive me!

So why come here and spill it all out here for anyone to read?!  Well, because I can! not to mention, in a lot of ways, it's cathartic for me, it's a release, it's a place to put it out there for accountability, it's a place for me to recognize...wow! it was been a couple of out-of-the-routine weeks where my normals that keep me going were either very little or non-existent...like exercise, like regular quiet time/journalling, like eating healthy (yeah, my clean eating that I have so been loving the last few months went out the window too, I have eaten more sugar in candy and sweets in the past week than I had the last 2.5 months! and then some!)...insert potential reasons for lack of motivation, bad attitude, imbalance, unthankfulness (I may have just made up that word for this post!) here.  The only thing I haven't returned to is my diet pop, although I wanted to give in several times, I'm staying the course, sorry diet pepsi and coke zero, you aren't getting my money anymore!  

I have yet to figure out and actually follow through with keeping my composure when my routine is being thrown out the window - even if it's for weeks that the kids are gone, even if it's a family-visiting-birthday party- kind of week, even if it's sick weeks where-no-one-can-go-out-of-the-house kind of week.  It turns outs mama needs as much structure and routine as her 4 year old boy and 2 year old girl.  Who knew?!  WHO KNEW!

One thing I do have down (for the most part!) is eventually getting to this point, the point where "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" and allowing the Holy Spirit within me to start picking up the pieces - one by one.  Being reminded...that I am loved by God.  I am loved by my husband.  I am loved by my children.  I am loved by my family.  I am loved by my friends.  I'm not perfect, never will be, but I know where to allow transformation to happen - and that's in the hands of Jesus - I'm not saying this for some cliche Christian nuance, I'm saying it because I believe it, I've seen it, experienced it, lived it many times...it's a friend to me, and I'm sure we will be friends for quite some more time, like possibly all of my life.  I am making a choice today, in these very moments, to turn away and say, today is a new day, it doesn't have to be the way it's been....and do you know what I will find as the days pass by in this frame of mind and spirit?...a mama who embraces the "Mom!"s and the "Mama!"s, and doesn't resist it, and allows myself to be the mother, the wife, and the woman of God I am meant to be - not perfect, but being transformed every waking and breathing moment.

Embrace, yes, that's my new word, Embrace each moment, do not resist it!

It's all we have, it's what we have been given, we have so much to be thankful for, we are so blessed, as my sister told me her oldest daughter (who is turning 14 in couple weeks!) has learned to say, "these are first world problems!"  So true, although my struggles, first world or not, are as important to God as the third world problems, it's important for us first world folk to realize how blessed we are and how good we have it!

So onward with our day, I feel like a different person, thank you, thank you, thank you for stopping by and for allowing me to come to this place and work it out right here in front of you, if you made it to the end of this post, thank you. :)

Love,
Kendra
(Stay tuned for pictures in the near future!)