A Tender, Responsive Heart

I think I must always say "it's been awhile" when I start making a post in this blog, but it has and I haven't done what I left saying I was going to do when I finished my last post - and that is, post pictures of Clara's birthday!  And, I am still not going to tonight!  Eric is working on a message for our youth tomorrow night, and that means, I can't upload pictures to the Mac which means no pictures, just thoughts instead!  Aren't you all so very lucky?!

So we just got home from our church's softball game plus a spontaneous ice cream trip with some friends, got home and quickly gave the kids a bath, and while I was helping Stanley get ready for bed, this is how our conversation went...

Stanley:  "Oh, mommy thank you for cleaning up my room!"  (which 5 minutes before, was filled with his train set all over the floor and trains strewn everywhere...mama breathes a sigh of relief because I didn't know if that was going to turn into a meltdown right before bed because I messed up his train city, I'll take the sweet thank you.)
Mama:  "Oh, Stanley that is so sweet, I like your thank you's, that makes mommy happy."
Stanley:  (looking straight at me)  "Mommy, you are beautiful!"
Mama:  "Oh thank you, Stanley (giving lots o' kisses and hugs) Eric, (he was listening from Clara's room) did you just hear what Stanley said?"
Daddy:  "Yes, I tell you that everyday, I'm glad you received it from him."

Eric tells me most everyday that he thinks I'm beautiful, and unfortunately, he's right, what he was implying is right anyways, sometimes, on my not-feeling-so-good-about-myself days, I don't receive my husband's compliments well at all, because quite honestly, I don't believe it!  There I said it!  Some days I choose to believe the lies instead of the truth within me....  And, somehow when it comes from your little guy, it melts your heart, because he doesn't say it everyday like Eric does.  Eric's compliments should be just as much "melt my heart" moments even if they often come everyday, these are the kinds of words a mommy needs when she doesn't always feel beautiful.  My days are full of wearing my clean-quickly-turns-into-sweaty exercise clothes or comfy clothes so often that when mommy gets dressed in something other than that (it doesn't have to be anything spectacular), Stanley takes notice and will often say things like, "Oh, Mommy, you look adorable!"  I'm lucky to get a shower by the afternoon, and if I do get a shower in the morning, some planning was involved, my day feels like it goes better after I take a shower, but a lot of days, it just doesn't happen that way.  So it's nice to be noticed by my boys.  And, I'm thankful that God loves me unconditionally, even when I haven't showered until the afternoon (or not at all for that matter!) or on days when I just don't feel good about myself, even on those days when I don't see myself as the beautiful gift God made in me, God loves me and my boys love me, what more could a mommy need?  Well, a little girl that is also loving, that's nice, too...

Every night before I lay Clara down in her crib (yes, she's still in her crib, my kids stay in their crib as long as I can keep them there!), we sing "Jesus Loves Me!" and pray together with Clara in her own little way repeating her prayer with me.  I've noticed that some nights, she belts it out and sings right with me with her little sweet words.  Some nights, she just listens and smiles, and I just allow her to listen and smile.  Some nights, I will say throughout, "Sing!  Clara, Sing!!" and she only gives the final "TA-DA" kind of ending, which is also one of those melt-your-heart kind of moments.  Isn't that just how we as adults are?  Sometimes, we sing and are right in tune with the Spirit working in our lives...sometimes, we have to be still and listen for that still small voice because often the inside chatter is so loud that we can't hear or see how the Spirit is moving or speaking to us...and then, there's other moments, when there's our favorites, cheering us along on the "side lines" and sometimes we ignore them, sometimes we listen, but most of the time, our hearts want and truly need the compliments, the encouragements and it just clicks, and we want to jump up and down and say "TA-DA!"  An A-HA! moment as Oprah likes to say where we truly believe the truth that is trying to be spoken into our hearts, our lives and we "get it."  We truly get it...

Sometimes I find myself getting impatient with Stanley and Clara, I get frustrated when they disobey, when they do right in front of me what I just told them not to do AND THEN have the nerve to look back at me with a smile, as if to say, "did you see that?  what are you going to do about that?"  Lately,  I'm trying to remember, tap on the shoulder, "hey, Kendra, are you in there?  You know, you really aren't that much different than your kids."  We have a sinful nature, our lives unfortunately are intertwined with moments and days, sometimes months, years of disobedience - the same GRACE God gives  me is the same exact GRACE that we need to give our kids daily.  Grace with a spirit, of course, of wanting to teach our children the way they should live, discipline in correcting behaviors  but more importantly looking at their hearts.  If we can only help them to see how our hearts are bent towards sin, that there is a different way to live, the way of the Spirit working in our hearts and lives, if not by our own willpower or determination, but by opening up our hearts to the Spirit's work in our hearts.  To overcome the very disobedience that is driving us crazy, the disobedience that wrecks us, the disobedience that turns up the inside noise to a maximum and blows out the light within us on our not-so-good days.  I really don't enjoy those days, tell you the truth, neither does my family!

I read a scripture this week that hit deep within my heart, I don't know the full context of the verse with in the context of the story (to tell you the truth, I'm lucky to read several verses these days, much less get the whole context of the story, maybe it's a cop out, but it's hard to get reading time in with little ones at my feet most of the time!), but it spoke to my heart..

"And, I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart." Ezekiel 36:26

Notice the adjectives here and the extremes...my heart has been there lately, stony and stubborn, and I'm praying that it would become tender and responsive again.  That is my prayer today and this week, that my heart would become tender and responsive to the Spirit working within me, so that individually, I can experience fullness of life the way God intends it to be, so that I can in turn be an example to my husband and my children, and to my family and friends.  Allowing God to work in my heart, allowing the Spirit to work within my soul requires me to STOP, LET GO of all that holds me down, and be open to the work within me.  It's a mystery, it truly is a mystery, how to do it, there's no formula, believe me! I've looked and still look for one, but I'll give you a hint, there isn't one, so stop looking and wait, listen, be still, if you are open, you will see and experience the Spirit working deep within.  I can't explain it, but it's true.

Someday, I'll post some pictures of our sweet, ornery little ones!!  I've been trying to get to bed by 10 or 10:30, and I'm drawing closer to the later...it's amazing how much better you feel when you get more sleep!!  So as always, thanks for stopping!  And, good night!!

Love,
Kendra