A Starting Point...

The kids are in the van, check!  The backpack with drinks and snacks are in the van, even more important check!  And, now I’m in the van, PHEW!…some days an amazing accomplishment!  I’m just about to have a seat in the drivers side, about to put the key in the ignition and there it starts…whining, moaning from our youngest…to put words to her whine, I say, “Clara, do you want to listen to Veggie Tales?”  (the only playlist that must be on our repertoire of songs according to Clara)…Clara says, “mmhmmm…”  I say, “Clara say, yes Veggie Tales please.”  With her little nod and such confidence she says in her own little way, “Veggie Tales please” smiling with the biggest smile…and we proceed to listen, bop our heads, hold our hands up, sing…which in the Clara sense, this means she’ll say some words here and there, but she always makes the standing ovation ending with each song…which usually goes like this…”Awww!” and a little yell at the end and of course some clapping…this plays out everyday when we are in the van (that is when Clara is the only one to direct the music, when Stanley is in the van, we are open to a different repertoire of about 3-4 more playlists…WOW!). 

This is the smile I am talking about...:)

One day, I thought to myself as this same scenario was playing out… “Am I ever going to listen to what I want to listen to?”  Yes, a selfish mama moment!!  Deep within my spirit, I felt this sense, “nope not for at least another 18-20 years!” Quite bleak, I know, until you look in the rear view mirror with different eyes, realizing in 18-20 years or even 4 years or even 1 year, for real, I won’t be able to watch and listen to Clara sing like only her little 19 month self can do.  Deep within, I sense this “enjoy the moment. Live in this moment.  They won’t last forever.” 

Now, I have to take a step back and add some vulnerability and honesty to the moment…being a parent is hard work.  Harder work, different work than being a wife!  More challenging work than being a social worker!  I have been going through a tough batch as a mother the last month or so, and I sense within my spirit often, “AHHH, get me out of here!”  Sometimes I want to ignore the yelling and fighting over a toy, some days, I want to escape by shutting my door and hiding behind my covers!  And, you know what?... my kids sense that spirit within me, and they follow suit…well, you get the picture, some days, not all days, just most :) that takes us down a downward spiral until enter 5pm or so at the end of the day, and Eric walks in after a day at work, and he immediately gauges the mood of the home.   Some days, I’m making supper and the kids are playing happily at my feet in the kitchen (not in the play room of course, why would a child play in our nice play room we have when you can play in the kitchen at mommy’s feet where she could step on you or worse yet, drop some part of our meal on you!)….and other days, I hand over the spoon saying, you are on! And I need to step away for a bit…thank goodness I have a husband who understands this since he was a stay at home dad for quite some time…sounds so dramatic, but this has turned into my daily life, and I confess, some days I love spending time with my children and am renewed by the bigger and awesome responsibility of raising two little ones, and other days, I miss having a purpose outside of my family and children.  So same rant, just a different day…it just isn’t going away, that feeling…

Don’t hear what I’m not saying, ultimately I know with every part of me that being on the journey as a mother who is seeking to raise her children in the Lord is THEE most awesome purpose one can ever have in one’s lifetime (which by the way, I have to agree with Kelly Rippa on this one, they send a huge instruction book home with your flat screen TV, but you bring this child home and there’s no instruction book, so you are on your own to fend for yourself and some days, I think it’s feeding on me!).  I say it again, some times I miss having a purpose outside my home, where, let’s face it, I can influence and help others, but also where mama can be affirmed and complimented.  It’s rare and few and far between, where Stanley says, “this is a good meal mommy!”  Although Eric does the best he can with affirming me, 10 months into any other job that I have had over the past 10 years, I would by now be receiving affirmation, pats on the back, “you are doing a good job!  Stop being so hard on yourself!” probably on a regular basis. You don’t get that affirmation on a regular basis as a stay at home mother, and take that away, and I realize now how much I must thrive and my ego built because other people are seeing me, observing me, watching me be the hard worker that I am, standing up to challenges, and using my skill set as a social worker.

So where is all this going?  Well, for the last six months or so, I have been looking forward to a trip…not an all inclusive trip to the Caribbean, but on a conference with Eric for the church  - the things we pastor’s wives get stoked about!!  Eric said for quite some time, “you would think we were going on our honeymoon!”  No, it’s not our honeymoon, but it is five full days without discipline, without making meals, without potty training, without diaper changing; also five days without tight squeezes, kisses, smiles and giggles, and bedtime stories and prayers (the more immediately rewarding parts of my daily life!).  That’s enough for me, in some ways, even better because Eric and I are getting to spend time together in Dallas, Texas – and have quiet, thoughtful meals together where we can carry a full conversation with the added bonus of taking part in worship, listening to speakers that have given me and us a lot to think about in our relationship with God and our relationship with others around us.  To me, this may be better than an all-inclusive trip!  Because instead of feeding our consumeristic selves on a huge, indulgent trip (no judgment here, there’s a time for all kinds of trips people!), we are being forced outside of ourselves and think about how we are living our lives as individuals, in our marriage, with our children, and with our neighbors and community.

So what does this mean for us?  We are setting intentional goals  – individually, as a couple, as parents, and as neighbors in our community.  One of my favorite writers and speakers right now is Jen Hatmaker, I’m sure you have heard me reference her.  There are so many big ideas that we are learning while we are here from all kinds of speakers…but the best thing I have heard was from Miss Jen.  She said, “how does this (what she and her husband are doing at her church) play out in your context?  I don’t know.”  I love “I don’t knows!”  I love when there isn’t a formula, even when everything in me cries out, “where’s the formula?  Where’s the instruction book?”  I want that, but God knows we don’t really need that. 

She went further and said, but let me make a suggestion for a starting point, this is epic here, just when I’m starting to grasp the big, big picture and feel overwhelmed with the process, she says something so unbelievably simple, “start with your family, start making change within your own little family.”  Isn’t this a novel idea?  Her point:  If you aren’t being the love of Christ in your family and learning within your family how to be Christ to first EACH OTHER and then also those who live around you, how can we as leaders expect our church or our community follow suit if we aren’t able to show them the example from our own lives….WOW, crazy convicting right? 

So I don’t know how this looks, but I do know it feels like it’s going to be messy, confusing, but working towards a purpose that we can only have in God, in Christ.  If I remember that my purpose is ultimately in Christ and EVERYTHING COMES from the OVERFLOW of my heart that ultimately comes from the spirit and the gospel within us – what an adventure it has already been, what an adventure it will continue to be! 

We are on day three of our little trip away, thank the Lord that we have an opportunity to be here, to step away and be renewed and refreshed and reminded that wow!  I still love and enjoy the man I married.  That Christ is working in me, desires to work in me as a parent, and as a neighbor.  My heart is full and I am thankful for this gift of time away.

Here’s Eric and I at one of our favorite restaurants we enjoyed in Ohio and Kentucky, Buca di beppo’s - now, we also got to enjoy it in Dallas!  YEAH!  One of our quiet, thoughtful meals together where we started AND finished several conversations, it’s the simple things in life!  Please pray with us that we, that you, that all of us can continue to seek our purpose and mission in Christ as we live out our daily lives – being aware of the needs around us and being sensitive to how the spirit is guiding us to be involved with those we come into contact with in our everyday lives.

Again, thanks for stopping!!  I know it was a long post, but much needed!

Love, Kendra