From Social Worker to Stay-At-Home Mother...

On January 3, 2012, I sat in the Melting Pot in Lexington, KY, with my dear friend, Diane who was treating me to a fine meal of appetizer and dessert fondue as a celebration of our friendship and memories shared – but we were also there to say “good-bye.”  Because you see, I had just finished my last day as hospice social worker at Hospice of the Bluegrass after four years and four months. Diane was the chaplain on my team, and I can't even tell you how much I have learned from her counseling skills!!

Allow me to digress (and then we’ll come back to yummy fondue with Diane)….This day also finished my career as a social worker (which started in September of 2002), for an indefinite period of time so that I could finally realize my dream to stay at home with my kiddos.  Let me back track even more to give a little history of my career of choice.  In the spring of 1997, I spontaneously changed my major from dietetics to social work, which also led me to spontaneously and quite abruptly (to those who knew me then, they would say this is true) to transfer to a different college to major in social work.  I started that journey in the fall of 1998, where eventually I graduated with my bachelor’s in social work in April of 2001 from Eastern Mennonite University.  I took a little hiatus from social work and worked in campus ministry at my much loved Bluffton College in small town Ohio, but returned to social work and started my career as a social worker in September of 2002 (I’m getting somewhere with all of this bear with me!).  I worked in Columbus and Findlay as a case manager with severely mentally ill before I was married and during our first years of marriage…looking back at my first months in my first “real” job, I can recognize just how GREEN I was in my field, how much I had to learn, and how I struggled to learn the beginnings of writing goals and objectives, diagnoses, active and reflective listening, counseling skills, networking and connecting people in need with community resources and the list goes on and on in the ways that my mind was truly expanding in my field – this was the true beginning of learning my role as social worker and all the terminology and knowledge that goes with it.  I started off in case management struggling, it never was a role that I loved from the beginning, rather I like to say over time it was a role that I learned to and grew to love.  If you have known me very long, you may have heard me say that even though it was a position that I didn’t “love-love” at first, I would never take it back, because it gave me such valuable information and education about mental illness – it gave me the hands on experience I needed to put words in a book about diagnoses into pictures of real, tangible live people and experiences.  So I’m ever thankful for my roots, those five years from Sept 2002 through July 2007 (included in there my 2 year goal was also met to get my Masters in Social Work at “THEE” Ohio State University which I completed in June 2007), but if I’m honest I knew in my heart that that kind of work as case manager was not my niche. 

Ever since my grandfather died and was under hospice care for a “very brief” time, I always wondered if I could be a hospice social worker.  Fast forward to our move to Lexington, KY, and by God’s providence (not coincidence), I was blessed to be offered a job as a social worker at the Hospice of the Bluegrass, not only was it a hospice, but it was nationally recognized as one of the top hospices in the country, I had scored!!  And, it didn’t take long for me to work with this hospice to recognize that I had just been truly blessed to work with people who were committed to providing quality end of life care, but I realized early on that I was also blessed to be working with a group of people that I LOVED working with everyday – many life long friends were made!  My first two years there, I worked as a social worker primarily in nursing homes, but when hospice was going through some staffing transitions, I was asked to move to a home team.  I was scared out of my mind…I questioned if I could do it, would it be harder work, what if I don’t know what say, I had so much to learn…. So many questions were present, but in October of 2009 I started on a home team and was placed on what I believe was an awesome team of women who I was going to learn so much from!  For those of you who aren’t with hospice, it’s hard to explain, but there is a bit of difference in the nature of how you work with families and patients are in a controlled environment like a nursing home where health care professionals are caring for your loved ones 24/7 VS. caring for your loved one at home without the confidence of health care professionals to guide 24/7.  It was the best most challenging experience I had entered yet, and I loved it with all it’s challenges!!  Around that same time, I also started my supervision hours to work towards getting my license as a clinical social worker where I finished about a year in that time frame (which was half way in KY standards but unfortunately I was not permitted to carry those hours with me to MS…after extreme disappointment, I was able to chalk it up as a hugely valuable learning experience, for that I am forever grateful for the knowledge and self reflection that took place within those four walls, thanks MaryKay Fedorchuk!  Sometimes I wanted to hit her, cry with her, and ask her to stop -- challenging my way of thinking -- but because of her persistence in challenging me, I truly am where I am today).  OK, now we are full circle!!

Back to January 3 to the yummy, delectable fondue with my dear, dear friend, Diane Munoz, where my life as a social worker was now being put on hold and where I was closing four years of life while Eric was in seminary that I thoroughly loved with all it’s joys and challenges, and Diane says to me as she is so wise in preparing me… “now you do know that you will go through a honeymoon phase and in about six months or so, things will become more difficult as you transition to your new life in Tupelo, MS.”  “Oh, yes, yes, Diane I know that, it will take a lot to adjust, but yes, yes, thanks for reminding me and bringing that to my awareness.  I have no idea how that’s going to look like or how it’s going to feel, but I’ll be watching for it”….here I am 7 months to almost the day, and Diane’s preparation was true, I have hit my wall – and I was still surprised!!! It still caught me off guard!! 

I am ever thankful for where God has brought us in Tupelo, MS!  Had I ever anticipated I would live in MS?  No!  Am I thankful for the church where we are called to be?  Yes!!  Am I thankful for all the new friends that have already been providentially placed on our path as we begin to serve?  Yes!  But, as much as I know these things deep within my being, this has been a huge change in our lives and my life.  Yes, a big change for northerners to live in the south with the differences in culture, etc.  But, even more than that, and where the struggle lies for me is….I wanted and coveted the idea of staying home with my kids starting April of 2008 when we first learned that we were pregnant with our first child (and truly I had this desire way before I was married!), but I knew that that dream would be deferred for awhile as the goal was for me to work full time at least until Eric could complete seminary and find a job.  We were blessed enough for Eric to find a position where it was possible, with some material sacrifice, for me to stay at home with my kids.  My dream had come true, FINALLY!!!  January 4, Stanley’s third birthday, I never had to leave my son and daughter to go to work (as much as I loved my work!) anymore!  YEAH!!  As time goes on though, I’m learning that this is a HUGE life change for me!!  

Now, back track to my long recording of all I have done to prepare myself to be a social worker, here comes the reason I felt the importance of sharing that long history!  You see all those years from 1998 to 2012, I studied, observed, discussed, collaborated with teams, work towards high productivity in each position, and with each year, I was growing in my role as a social worker.  Had I arrived as of January 3, certainly not!  Had I come along way since my first day as a student in the fall of 1998?  Of course!  Am I am more experienced social worker on January 3 2012 than I was on that Septemember day long ago in 2002 when I started my first job?  YES, but it took time, pain, joy, tears, self doubt, time, uncertainty, affirmation, challenges, and did I mention time?  Oh yes, I did mention time!  Time was one of the main factors, it has taken time to develop my skills as a social worker and I still have so long to go!!!  

So how does this relate to my new role as a stay at home mother?  You would think this role comes naturally, and you have the benefit of making your own schedule and no one is telling you how to spend your day!  All great things…..until you realize hey!  Why isn’t there anyone watching over my schedule or telling me how to spend my day?!!!  Now, I am a stay at home mother with my own children, they don’t care about productivity, they don’t care what I know, what I need to do today or tomorrow or what I should have done yesterday, all they know is that I am their mother, they love me, and they want to spend time with me, even if it’s just sitting with me!  WHAT?!!  7 months into it, and I realize, WHAT?!!  I don’t even know who I am anymore!?!!  I don’t know what to do with that?  Isn’t someone concerned about my productivity?  Isn’t someone going to tell me to step it up a notch?  Isn’t someone going to tell me what to do?  The answer to that is a BIG and RESOUNDING NO!!! I have found myself wanting to fight this!  Flee from this!  I don’t know how to do this?!  I don’t know how to be a parent?!  I don't know how to make my own schedule?!!  Besides learning from how my parents parented, watching my family members now parent, or watching my friends parent, I had never learned how to be a parent besides what’s inside of me (and I know there's more inside me than I'm giving myself credit)… but, some days if I’m honest, I feel like I don’t have much to offer!!   I have never gone to a parenting class (and I’m not counting those few classes before we had Stanley because I was in la-la land then!), how am I supposed to know how to be a parent, discipline my children in a Godly way if no one has ever taught me…and finally that brings me to my long history of my social work education and experience…if I still don’t feel I have arrived after 15 years of education and work experience as a social worker, how did I ever think after 3.5 years of being a parent in general, and 7 months of being a stay at home mother, did I expect that I was going to know what to do and be secure in it?  How unrealistic it was for me to think this?!  Even though it sounds absurd to say that out loud, I know with all my heart, and if I’m honest, I have been telling myself and believing it to a certain extent…you SHOULD know how to do this by now?!!  Those “shoulds” get us into trouble, don’t they social workers?   Oh those nasty cognitive distortions!!  And, how unrealistic is it for our culture to make us even think that we can be parents without education, without support, without experience.  

I have been surprised in how difficult it is to be a stay at home mother, much different from what I had expected.  Before you working mothers who don't have a choice to stay at home become irritated with me, remember I know what it is to work and now I know what it is to be at home, regardless being a mother is THEE most important role ever and the most difficult job ever!!, I recognize when working, you have a challenge of keeping up with work at work and work at home.  Please hear me, I know it’s a luxury (with material sacrifice – of those things you think you need but realize it’s really wants -- I remind you!) to stay at home with my babies, because with the mundane routine of wiping bottoms, wiping noses, giving baths, doing laundry, cleaning the toilets, sweeping the floors again, yada yada yada, I do recognize it is luxury to now do those things all throughout the week instead of cramming it all into a weekend or late night (and someday again, I will be reminded of the challenge of being a working mother), but for today, allow me to be honest, this has been the hardest transition I have ever made.  With each new social work job I started over the years, some things looked very similar and some aspects were very new, but I was getting into a groove and was finding myself feeling more “seasoned” with it all.  For all those years, I was solely focused on becoming the best social worker I could be, in my skills and productivity;…..drop that, and I’m right smack dab in an identity crisis?!!  and I don’t know how it looks to be a productive mother or even if that’s important?  What is most important to us as parents?  And as a mother?  How do I discipline my children?  How do I potty train my children (long story here but I’ll spare you the details!)?   Who am I now?  I don’t even know who I am?!!!  AHH, I don’t even know who I am right now without being an actively working social worker!!  

So what do I do, now that this has all been realized?  …. First off, I take a deep breath (insert DEEP BREATH HERE!!), and another, again and again…and I’m off, I’ve been on the journey, in fact, it started without me on that January 3 day at the Melting Pot because I truly didn’t know what I was getting myself into.  It’s the most important journey of my life…being a mother, and it started without me with little to no preparation on my part…awareness is key, isn’t that right, social workers?  But, now I am aware, so what do I do with all these thoughts and feelings jumbled up inside me as I struggle to find clarity in my new role AND adjust to a new living place with new people, new friends, new church, a husband in a new role….well, I ‘ll tell you what I am starting to do – I’m starting each new day with a prayer, a prayer to find the small and big things to be thankful for and I’m becoming more aware of how I can have negative thoughts that ultimately impact how I feel and how I act; I’m asking my close friends and family for prayer and accountability, I will not move forward without a community to walk beside me, ahead of me, or behind me.  And, I’m going to be gracious with myself, what it took to develop my skills over 15 years as a social worker took long, hard, reflective work with a team around me, different teams along the way, but there has always been teams to work with me (and I’m still not “there” yet where ever “there” is!) – so realistically, now I have a new team, it just looks different than I’m used to, there’s productivity, but that definitely looks different; everything looks and feels different – different is not bad it’s just that…different! so how can I expect at this stage to have this parenting thing worked out and feel secure in what I am doing from day to day from the beginning?!!  Of course not, that’s just not realistic, and it’s just nonsense.  So here is the beginning of my journey, as a blogger, I have thought about doing this for quite some time, years in fact, but its here now.  Where is it going to go?  I don’t know (but I’m going to stop resisting it now!), but I read some blogs regularly that inspire me, make me cry, make me think, cause me to reflect – they have made this big world seem small AND it has what sometimes seems to be a lonely role as a stay at home mother feel not so lonely – if nothing else maybe that is what my own blog will do for me.  What will it do for you?  I don’t know, but if nothing else, where ever you find yourself, maybe it will help you to feel normal, that you aren’t alone, maybe you will find yourself chuckling, and maybe you will feel community in this space from where ever you sit.  I don’t know how it will look, how much I will write, if I’ll be uber reflective or have nothing to give, but I want it to be place where there is no judgment, where there is grace to be where ever I am that day.  Where I’m given the grace and privilege to see my children the way God desires me to see them – as little blessings and gifts from God above.  So here I am, with fear and trepidation, I find the need to have a place to share, reflect, and grow in the role of a lifetime…a mother!  So come back when you want, I can’t promise a blog everyday or every week, or one that is long or short and concise! but as a journey to continue to reflect on who I am as a woman in Christ, as a wife, and most of all as a mother – and to find contentment in whatever season I find myself in, I commit to coming here for this time and season for as long as I am led to do so!  As I have often thought when I have read other mama’s blogs, I pray that it will truly be a gift our children can cherish in years to come!  Now I can breathe!

Here's a few pics of how my life looks like these days .....

 Be careful, Stanley, don't hurt your sister!

 Playing Outside

 This is what our house usually looks like...

 Clara started doing this quite awhile ago, and Stanley follows suit!

 Jumping on Stanley's bed is the most fun!

Building tents

All right, I've taken the first step!  That's the hardest part, right?  All my posts won't be this long, I guess I felt the need for introduction and what has pushed me to take the plunge into the blogging world!  

Resting,

Kendra