The kids are in the van, check! The backpack with drinks and snacks are in the van, even
more important check! And, now I’m
in the van, PHEW!…some days an amazing accomplishment! I’m just about to have a seat in the
drivers side, about to put the key in the ignition and there it starts…whining,
moaning from our youngest…to put words to her whine, I say, “Clara, do you want
to listen to Veggie Tales?” (the
only playlist that must be on our repertoire of songs according to Clara)…Clara
says, “mmhmmm…” I say, “Clara say,
yes Veggie Tales please.” With her
little nod and such confidence she says in her own little way, “Veggie Tales
please” smiling with the biggest smile…and we proceed to listen, bop our heads,
hold our hands up, sing…which in the Clara sense, this means she’ll say some
words here and there, but she always makes the standing ovation ending with
each song…which usually goes like this…”Awww!” and a little yell at the end and
of course some clapping…this plays out everyday when we are in the van (that is
when Clara is the only one to direct the music, when Stanley is in the van, we
are open to a different repertoire of about 3-4 more playlists…WOW!).
 |
| This is the smile I am talking about...:) |
One day, I thought to myself as this same scenario was
playing out… “Am I ever going to listen to what I want to listen to?” Yes, a selfish mama moment!! Deep within my spirit, I felt this
sense, “nope not for at least another 18-20 years!” Quite bleak, I know, until
you look in the rear view mirror with different eyes, realizing in 18-20 years or
even 4 years or even 1 year, for real, I won’t be able to watch and listen to
Clara sing like only her little 19 month self can do. Deep within, I sense this “enjoy the moment. Live in this
moment. They won’t last
forever.”
Now, I have to take a step back and add some vulnerability
and honesty to the moment…being a parent is hard work. Harder work, different work than being
a wife! More challenging work than
being a social worker! I have been
going through a tough batch as a mother the last month or so, and I sense
within my spirit often, “AHHH, get me out of here!” Sometimes I want to ignore the yelling and fighting over a
toy, some days, I want to escape by shutting my door and hiding behind my covers! And, you know what?... my kids sense
that spirit within me, and they follow suit…well, you get the picture, some
days, not all days, just most :) that takes us down a downward
spiral until enter 5pm or so at the end of the day, and Eric walks in after a
day at work, and he immediately gauges the mood of the home. Some days, I’m making supper and
the kids are playing happily at my feet in the kitchen (not in the play room of
course, why would a child play in our nice play room we have when you can play
in the kitchen at mommy’s feet where she could step on you or worse yet, drop
some part of our meal on you!)….and other days, I hand over the spoon saying,
you are on! And I need to step away for a bit…thank goodness I have a husband
who understands this since he was a stay at home dad for quite some time…sounds
so dramatic, but this has turned into my daily life, and I confess, some days I
love spending time with my children and am renewed by the bigger and awesome
responsibility of raising two little ones, and other days, I miss having a
purpose outside of my family and children. So same rant, just a different day…it just isn’t going away,
that feeling…
Don’t hear what I’m not saying, ultimately I know with every
part of me that being on the journey as a mother who is seeking to raise her
children in the Lord is THEE most awesome purpose one can ever have in one’s
lifetime (which by the way, I have to agree with Kelly Rippa on this one, they
send a huge instruction book home with your flat screen TV, but you bring this
child home and there’s no instruction book, so you are on your own to fend for
yourself and some days, I think it’s feeding on me!). I say it again, some times I miss having a purpose outside
my home, where, let’s face it, I can influence and help others, but also where
mama can be affirmed and complimented.
It’s rare and few and far between, where Stanley says, “this is a good
meal mommy!” Although Eric does
the best he can with affirming me, 10 months into any other job that I have had
over the past 10 years, I would by now be receiving affirmation, pats on the
back, “you are doing a good job!
Stop being so hard on yourself!” probably on a regular basis. You don’t
get that affirmation on a regular basis as a stay at home mother, and take that
away, and I realize now how much I must thrive and my ego built because other
people are seeing me, observing me, watching me be the hard worker that I am,
standing up to challenges, and using my skill set as a social worker.
So where is all this going? Well, for the last six months or so, I have been looking
forward to a trip…not an all inclusive trip to the Caribbean, but on a
conference with Eric for the church
- the things we pastor’s wives get stoked about!! Eric said for quite some time, “you
would think we were going on our honeymoon!” No, it’s not our honeymoon, but it is five full days without
discipline, without making meals, without potty training, without diaper
changing; also five days without tight squeezes, kisses, smiles and giggles,
and bedtime stories and prayers (the more immediately rewarding parts of my
daily life!). That’s enough for
me, in some ways, even better because Eric and I are getting to spend time
together in Dallas, Texas – and have quiet, thoughtful meals together where we
can carry a full conversation with the added bonus of taking part in worship,
listening to speakers that have given me and us a lot to think about in our
relationship with God and our relationship with others around us. To me, this may be better than an
all-inclusive trip! Because
instead of feeding our consumeristic selves on a huge, indulgent trip (no
judgment here, there’s a time for all kinds of trips people!), we are being
forced outside of ourselves and think about how we are living our lives as
individuals, in our marriage, with our children, and with our neighbors and
community.
So what does this mean for us? We are setting intentional goals – individually, as a couple, as parents, and as neighbors in
our community. One of my favorite
writers and speakers right now is Jen Hatmaker, I’m sure you have heard me
reference her. There are so many
big ideas that we are learning while we are here from all kinds of speakers…but
the best thing I have heard was from Miss Jen. She said, “how does this (what she and her husband are doing
at her church) play out in your context?
I don’t know.” I love “I
don’t knows!” I love when there
isn’t a formula, even when everything in me cries out, “where’s the
formula? Where’s the instruction
book?” I want that, but God knows
we don’t really need that.
She went further and said, but let me make a suggestion for
a starting point, this is epic here, just when I’m starting to grasp the big,
big picture and feel overwhelmed with the process, she says something so
unbelievably simple, “start with your family, start making change within your
own little family.” Isn’t this a
novel idea? Her point: If you aren’t being the love of Christ
in your family and learning within your family how to be Christ to first EACH
OTHER and then also those who live around you, how can we as leaders expect our
church or our community follow suit if we aren’t able to show them the example
from our own lives….WOW, crazy convicting right?
So I don’t know how this looks, but I do know it feels like
it’s going to be messy, confusing, but working towards a purpose that we can
only have in God, in Christ. If I
remember that my purpose is ultimately in Christ and EVERYTHING COMES from the
OVERFLOW of my heart that ultimately comes from the spirit and the gospel
within us – what an adventure it has already been, what an adventure it will
continue to be!
We are on day three of our little trip away, thank the Lord
that we have an opportunity to be here, to step away and be renewed and
refreshed and reminded that wow! I
still love and enjoy the man I married.
That Christ is working in me, desires to work in me as a parent, and as
a neighbor. My heart is full and I
am thankful for this gift of time away.
Here’s Eric and I at one of our favorite restaurants we
enjoyed in Ohio and Kentucky, Buca di beppo’s - now, we also got to enjoy it in Dallas! YEAH! One of our quiet, thoughtful meals together where we started
AND finished several conversations, it’s the simple things in life! Please pray with us that we, that you,
that all of us can continue to seek our purpose and mission in Christ as we
live out our daily lives – being aware of the needs around us and being
sensitive to how the spirit is guiding us to be involved with those we come
into contact with in our everyday lives.
Again, thanks for stopping!! I know it was a long post, but much needed!
Love, Kendra
